My humor as a defense mechanism
When I asked my friends what they thought some of my positives are the consensus was my sense of humor. Having a sarcastic personality on a constant basis allows people to see the humorous side of me. It’s something I learned as a teenager, I didn’t like showing my emotions because people were assholes about it. Crying as a teenager was seen as a weakness so I learned to suppress those emotions through humor. I was never a serious person and I loved comedies because in my lowest moments they gave me something to smile about. Making others happy through humor was a great tool to rely on. It was also a great way to hide my own emotions, if I was feeling low or upset, humor was the perfect mask. People did always tell me that I was always highly energetic and happy even though I knew I wasn’t. My brand became the chipper and happy person even though the more they got to know the more the self-deprecation came out.
I also had family members who used passive aggression that sometimes manifested itself through harsh sarcasm so it makes sense I picked up that skill as well. Even when speaking about depression, having a sense of humor has actually made it easier to talk about it. My therapist always checks me on that even though she understands that humor is my coping mechanism. I remember one time someone was confused that I was smiling when I was talking about someone close to me who died, I can imagine if I was in his shoes I would be just as perplexed. I avoided crying in front of people for many years and a smile was my way of preventing those tears from falling. If I’m smiling no one ever needs to ask what’s wrong, I don’t want my problems to be someone else’s. The issue with being an only child is not independence but never wanting to depend on someone. I feel most only children feel this resentment from parents and had to settle for growing up earlier that way we didn’t need to ask for help. That can easily be difficult in any kind of relationship (romantic or platonic) because I would rather make my life difficult finding my own solution than reaching out to someone when I’m in a lonely dark place. I don’t want to feel like someone’s burden so throw in a joke/smile and that person would assume all is good on my end. It’s not more to make fun of the shitty moments but more to normalize that it’s okay to feel that way and if you can’t joke about some serious things then what’s the point of living? Feeling empty while in the middle of depression is probably one of the loneliest things to go through so it also makes sense that comedians tend to be more depressed because at least with jokes it allows someone else besides the jokester to be happy.
“Heard a joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I am Pagliacci.” — Rorshach, Watchmen
Even in stressful work environments it’s easy to get frustrated but sometimes a simple laugh can help, it won’t fix the issue but it’s a realization that it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. In uncomfortable situations, I will follow it up by making a joke, knowing that won’t solve it but hoping that it will minimize the gravity of the conversation. It never does, it leads to someone either crying or frustrated they can’t have a serious conversation with me. I’m always concerned whenever someone new says they love my sense of humor because early on it looks fine until they realize humor is my go-to for just about any type of talk. They think I can’t take anything seriously or can’t be depended on if my solution to every problem is a joke. Sarcasm becomes the only way I can communicate, it’s not to make the person but there are bigger issues in the world, and if we can’t see the funny side of everything we will just all have frowns. I understand people hate sarcasm because it can sound like I’m minimizing or insulting their beliefs or personality with passive-aggressive attitudes. Using a joke instead of relying on anger or just telling them how I actually feel almost feels like micro gaslighting. Deflecting and not answering questions because I have no idea how to approach them because for most of my life no one ever calls it out. I’m self-aware of my actions but I also have learned how this affects others and even though in a way it can be annoying if someone needed an honest pair of ears they would know I wouldn’t judge, throw in a joke in the hopes of making them feel better but knowing when’s the best time to do so.
For me, humor and sarcasm are my love languages and it’s only fully shown off if I’m comfortable enough around you to make jokes. Even though I will use sarcasm if I’m happy, depressed, or annoyed, it all depends on the tone. I think this is why I love interacting with people who share a dark sense of humor because even with our traumatic experiences we are able to see the light in our darkest moments. Those moments made us who we are for better or worse, wear it as a badge of honor and less of something we should be ashamed about.
