The stigmas that take place for being Childfree
I was recording a podcast a couple of weeks ago and during the episode, I mentioned my not wanting to have kids is a dealbreaker. Anytime I tell someone I’m childfree it leads to people asking my reasons why, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I don’t mind going into details as to why I don’t want children, I reciprocate by asking people why it is that they want children. Not entirely to be an asshole even though my initial intention is to be snarky but more curious if people put the same thinking into wanting children as I do in not wanting them.
I knew in my early 20’s I didn’t want kids, but I learned not to be so blunt and open about it. I doubt it had anything to do with being an only child but never having to take care of someone played a bit of a factor. I never had to babysit and the thought of being responsible for someone’s life scared the shit out of me. To soften the blow I would just tell people I wasn’t sure which was followed by “you still have time” or “you’ll change your mind”. Because of those responses I learned that I couldn’t tell people blurt out that I didn’t want children because the social convention dictates we are supposed to follow the normal pathway of marriage and children. Going against the norms leads to questions, confusion, and criticism.
When I recorded the dealbreakers episode with Cory, it was the first time a woman I knew said out loud she didn’t want kids. It didn’t even throw me off, I was ecstatic that I wasn’t alone on the childfree train. It was interesting that after that episode aired, I had other friends that were women who felt the same way she did but didn’t have the same confidence to say it to those close to them.
I decided to work on a podcast episode focusing on being childfree and while researching the topic throughout different websites, I noticed there are more stigmas for women than men when deciding to be childfree. Women are “trained” to be mother figures at an early age, their main toys are dolls to take care of, kitchen sets, in multi-gender sibling households they are more likely doing most of the household chores in their teens and expected to have it all as an adult woman with kids, a career and keeping it all together. I completely understand if women didn’t want kids, they would decide not to disclose that to everyone because they’ll hear about their biological clock and that being a mother is the most rewarding experience.
I decided to put together some of the childfree stigmas I found on the internet and my thoughts about each one.
“Don’t like kids” — That is such a broad stigma, someone can like something and not want it for themselves, my friends have amazing kids and they’re lovely but I’ve also seen bratty kids as well that can easily change my mind.
Aren’t nurturing — That’s hilarious because I’m pretty sure not everyone who mistakenly made a child wasn’t nurturing beforehand, also I hear that comes from experience. I also want to caveat that the plant I have is being nurtured and still alive.
Egomaniac/selfish — based on the definition: a person who is obsessively egotistical or self-centered. Me caring about myself and worrying about my well being first doesn’t make me obsessively self-centered. I will agree that my decisions can be selfish, traveling by myself because it’s less work to plan trips with others, should I do something I don’t want to do to please someone else? Depends but for the most case the answer is no.
Only care about their careers — this can go to someone else because even I don’t want my entire life to be focused on kids or my career.
Come from bad homes/ Had distant fathers — I do relate to the second one, my biggest concern early on was ending up like my emotionally distant father. People would respond with “you’re not your father”, I appreciate that but it’s hard not thinking of a worst-case scenario as an overthinker.
Don’t want to get old — I’m going to get old either way, having a kid would just age me quicker.
Only want sex — I mean if having a child meant no more sex than sure but sex isn’t the only important aspect in a relationship.
They can’t handle it — You got me here. It’s not even that I can’t handle it, I just don’t want to deal with all the concerns that come with raising a child.
“Who’s going to take care of you when you’re older?” — I’m pretty sure all those retirement homes are filled with seniors who have children.
“Parents have a purpose now” — I already found my own purpose which doesn’t include kids, also it’s a bit sad if the only way we as humans can find purpose is through parenthood
“You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person” — I will find the right person who won’t want to change my mind
“Your mom had you” — I didn’t ask to be here and I was raised to have an opinion and to stick with it
“Won’t know what true love is” — why do people get married then if true love comes from parenthood?
“Leaving behind a legacy” — I don’t know what legacy am I supposed to be leaving? I’m not Steve Jobs
It’s also interesting that parents love to judge other parents and also people that don’t want to be parents. Seems like a lose-lose situation there too.
Most of the reasons I choose to be childfree have nothing to do with the above. The freedom to do what I want when I want is close to that selfish claim. Okay, maybe I won’t be able to always make those final decisions but I want to be able to travel and live my life without the concern of someone else’s well-being. Honestly, that means I’m more selfless because that way I’m not wasting someone’s time in a relationship or raising someone I technically didn’t want to make everyone else happy. I already deal with depression, knowing that can be hereditary gives me less reason to pass that along to someone else. There are already 8 billion people on this planet, do we really need more? Climate change is already a thing, pretty sure we are already overpopulated with not enough resources. Also, the financial burden that comes with children doesn’t cover whatever tax breaks parents are given. Saving up for overpriced education, medical bills and much more doesn’t convince me that I should change my mind. I don’t knock people who decide to become parents, just don’t scold those who don’t decide to follow in the same path as you.
